As I was saying in my Day 2 blog, I drive a lot for my job, so I spend a lot of time alone. Most of the time I've listened to music, which is like a soundtrack for the thoughts and pictures that run through my head. Lately, I realized that all this time I'm spending alone in my car - in my head - is full of moments where I am choosing not to support myself -- I've actually convinced myself that this "car time" is really "fuck off" time - "cause I can't do process while I'm focused on driving" - LOL.So, for the past week, instead of listening to music, I've been listening to and studying the interviews from Eqafe about Imagination. Wow - what a cool point to hear how we use and abuse our imagination, and this is exactly what I've been doing for the past year while driving alone in my car, imagining my Self in comparison to everyone and everything I see.
I realize now what I'm doing when I'm driving throughout my world. I am constantly comparing myself as who I believe or desire myself to be with other people I see on the street. My eyes will latch onto someone and I will either have a conscious thought like "Wow, what are they wearing?" or I will have a weird physical reaction - especially when I see someone who I judge as better looking than me - and I feel like I can't tear my eyes away. What a great way to get into a car accident huh?! I really never though twice about these little "micro-judgements" I was participating in - they're harmless, right?... WRONG. It's pretty obvious that I am constantly trying to define myself in my imagination by making these comparisons - I'm trying to figure out "who I am" - cutting out the features I don't like about myself, bolster the features that I like about myself -- and do this by tearing down other people in my mind.
Now, this all starts with the moment in the morning where I'm looking at myself in the mirror and making these small judgments about myself as my appearance. Obviously, I've compounded these "morning mirror moments" over the many years of my life, but I reinforce this pattern every single morning. The exercise discussed in the interviews is so cool - and I've had a major resistance to starting this exercise here on this blog over the past few days - but I realize now that I can't support myself to stop judging other people in this world until I stop judging and separating myself.
So here we go...
When I look at myself in the morning, there are many features that I don't like - that my eyes will immediately go to and focus on, and the entire rest of my face and body will fade away, and I will only see this "horrible" attribute. Sometimes, I will go into a sort of trance, staring at these features for a long time, building up thoughts in my head of what is wrong with them. For example;
- Pores on my Face - they are "too large", they are filled with dirt, I have scars where I have picked them clean, they make me look like a young teenager.
- Right Eye - droops lower than the other eye, makes me look asymmetrical, looks like a lazy eye in pictures.
- Chin - doesn't look defined enough, has too much fat.
- Hair - stringy, wavy, poofy, unruly, will not stay the way I want it
- Fat Rolls - Looks disgusting, like a tire I am carrying around, Embarrassing
- Fat on Sides and Legs - pocketed, looks like swiss cheese, ugly
In the next few days, I'm going to focus on each of these points and go deeper into what thoughts and pictures come up when I'm looking and judging each of these physical parts of my Self, so I can apply effective self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements -- assisting myself to stop separating myself as "body parts" and walk with my entire physical body.
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