The first thing on this list is my Pores - this is the first thing that my eyes will lock onto when I look at myself in the mirror. So this morning I stood in front of the mirror and scanned my pores and wrote down the thoughts/feelings/pictures that came up.
- A physical "sinking" feeling in my stomach.
- Thought: "My pores are so huge and filled with dirt, it is disgusting"
- Thought: "Everyone will look at me and think that I am not clean"
- Picture: A nerdy teenager in a movie who has acne and everyone makes fun of him.
- Thought: "People who are beautiful don't have acne"
- Picture: up-close shot of Supermodel from makeup commercial, her skin is perfect
- Thought: "No one will like me if I am not good looking"
- Thought: "I must clean out my pores, so no one will know"
- Picture: Ad for acne face cleaner, where kids are happy after washing their face
- Thought: "All I have to do is squeeze the dirt out, then I will feel better"
- Picture: Ad for acne cleaner, picture of the pore where the dirt comes out, and nothing is left"
When I was a teenager, and even up until recently, I have done this ritual pore scanning in the morning (and sometimes throughout the day) and I started picking my face until I had gotten a lot of dirt out of the larger pores. Sometimes, this picking would become a trance-like state and last a long time, like 15-20 minutes, and I would feel really good while I was doing it, like it was satisfying to clean my face, but I was so focused on each small pore, I wasn't seeing the consequences of what I was doing to my entire face. Afterwards, my face would be all red and puffy, and I would be so embarrassed, especially if I my roommates saw me come out of the bathroom.
I will continue with my self forgiveness on each of these points in the next blog.